There’s no Perfect Time for Your Pivot

Remember the little girl in church who would sit in a nearby pew and pick at her white stockings the entire service? Like how big could the blemish, nick or hole be?

Well, by the end of service mine was much bigger. See I was/ am that little girl. I obsessed about the tiny hole in church because to me, it wasn’t tiny. Its mere existence signified a problem which needed fixing.

Now I can look back and see that I was the problem or at least my thinking was. See that? I could say I was the problem without the emotion of guilt or shame. And that’s a break through.

Those feelings, guilt and shame had ruled my mental world for decades. Questioning my “gifts/ talents” at an early age. Accepting the put downs, let downs or break downs regularly. Ignoring the signs that I deserved better.

Ashamed to admit it was my reality while being guilty that after admission I would choose to remain. As I’d done so many times before.

But I’m in a better place now. One where I don’t have to exist in a mental game of twister. No longer must I speculate, predict and anticipate the degree of care from my loved ones. They make it evident.

Yet, I’m still that little girl from church. So I pick…mentally. I obsess…mentally. I anticipate their viewpoint and sometimes aggravate the situation. Sometimes intentionally, honestly because any good juice should be shaken or stirred.

But I realize that this unnecessary decision undermines the integrity of the relationship. And for that I’m sorry.

Because this one is, different.

This one is, special…to me.

So, I remember my pivot is purposed and I am patient with its timing.

You owe yourself the same.